Wednesday, June 22, 2011

First Loves

     Do you remember your first kiss? I don't mean your first third grade kiss either. I mean the first boyfriend kiss, or girlfriend....whatever. I remember mine. We were sitting on a bench at the mall. I remember how big his tongue felt in my mouth, I remember feeling the butterflies floating all around my body, wondering if I was doing this right....
     I was young, and I was in love. My first boyfriend, first kiss, first time.....if you know what I mean.I thought the sun rose and fell with that boy. He was sweet to me. He picked me up from school, we'd hang out on the front porch where Momma could keep an eye on things (well, she tried;). He brought me roses for valentines day, and assured my adolescent, insecure self that I was pretty.
     Out of nowhere, he messaged me today. I wasn't even going to blog about this subject today, but the timing of him contacting me couldn't have been more spot on.We caught up. He has a beautiful family and is working, I'm doing well, yes, it's been a long time.We reminisced about our shared past a little....and vowed to stay in touch.
     The irony is, I've been trying to deal with the fact that my current boyfriend still stays in contact with his first love. He is going to her wedding in a couple of months even. I know as an intelligent woman that I let my mind go to places that don't even exist. I know I make things up in my own tainted and bruised mind that will never occur. I know that the only thing I DON'T over analyze is how insane I am sometimes.Yet, I do it anyway. It makes me feel insecure to know he just talked to her (he tells me everything, doesn't have a dishonest bone in his body). I feel like he still loves her, even though he says they are only old friends now, nothing more. I feel like she's prettier than me, thinner than me, better educated than I am, and wonder how he could ever love me like he loved her.
     Oh, we women. If we aren't comparing ourselves to someone else, we aren't breathing. The truth is, I know he loves me. He shows me everyday. His arms are home to me.I trust him more than I ever would have believed I would be able to trust someone again.His heart is pure gold and his voice is as soothing as warm maple syrup on a winter day. I love him. Truly and completely.
     So, if he still talks to pretty-old-friend-who-is-getting-married-that-he-happened-to-once-call-girlfriend.......so what.
     We all have pasts. We all have ex's. Most of us have a person from our past that touched our hearts in a way that will be with us as long as we live. The person you're in love with was in love before, with someone else. If they are still friends, let it be. Don't let your own ridiculous internal dialogue cause conflict in your relationship. If you trust and love the person that you are with, do it completely. If you believe they love you, let them.
     

1 comment:

  1. I like your conclusions and that's great advice!

    ReplyDelete